Couples Therapy

 PSYCHOTHERAPY FOR COUPLES, FOR WHOM?

Therapy for couples is a professional therapeutic help to overcome difficulties arising in an intimate relationship. It can be used by any couple who decides they need external support for their relationship. In the Therapeutic Journey, it does not matter whether the couple is in a formal or informal relationship, what religion the partners or spouses are, nor does their origin, worldview, sexual orientation, or any other circumstances matter.

When is it worth seeking help?

The most common problems that prevent couples from building a fulfilling, happy reciprocatory relationship are:

1. Problems in communication and difficulties in mutual understanding

Couples most often struggle with various communication difficulties. Unfortunately, it often happens that we are not so much unable to understand the partner's perspective as we do not want to accept that he has a different way of seeing things than our own. In this case, the key in couples therapy is to understand each other's differences and learn to listen carefully to the other side instead of trying to force your arguments.

2. Unresolved problems from the past

Each person has a certain amount of experience that influences their development and way of being (e.g. a person growing up in a conflict environment reacts differently to misunderstandings than a person brought up in a calm atmosphere). 

Very often, we unconsciously create relationships with people because they remind us of someone from our past, and we are repeating the same unhelpful toxic cycles that we have experienced ourselves or witnessed in our childhood in the form of our caregivers.

It happens that couples join people who do not show effective strategies for coping with conflicts. This, in turn, makes it much more challenging to solve problems arising in the relationship. Marriage/couples therapy focuses here on developing new, more effective communication patterns and ways of resolving disputes.

3. Unfulfilled expectations

One of the frequent problems raised during therapy for couples is the enormity of difficult emotions related to unrealised expectations towards the partner or the relationship itself. Sometimes people are unaware of their expectations, yet they count on the other person to guess and fulfil them. This belief often results in growing disappointment and frustration. During marriage/couples therapy, relationship partners can focus more on what they bring to the relationship rather than what they can gain from it.

4. Difficulties in the sexual sphere

Issues of sexual relations often come up as one of the issues affecting marriage and couples. It is worth noting that difficulties in this area are often associated with irregularities in other areas of the relationship. The problems with mutual communication or numerous disappointments effectively reduce a relationship's satisfaction and sense of security. This, in turn, is reflected in decreased intimacy and sexual intercourse. In addition, psychotherapy for couples helps partners discover differences in their perception of sexual activity.

5. Regrets and grudges

Psychotherapy for marriages and couples is also requested by people who cannot cope with wounds from a relationship. Unconscious or previously unspoken regrets about past events often come to light during sessions. Sometimes it turns out that they are the source of problems. Partners, with the help of a therapist, learn to take responsibility for their emotions, past actions, and actions to improve the situation.

6. Infidelity

Lack of fidelity is the most common cause of loss of trust and sense of security in a relationship. Infidelity is usually regarded as a specific result of problems in a relationship, used to escape from difficulties or achieve fulfilment through interaction with another, therefore, in person. Therefore, if you notice that the relationship is starting to lack intimacy, it is worth taking care of honest conversations and getting involved in improving the quality of the relationship.

How can you tell if the difficulties mentioned above apply to you?

A list of common symptoms of relationship problems can help. These are feelings of being hurt/used, feelings of emotional isolation, frequent misunderstandings and arguments due to communication problems, acts of aggression (both verbal and physical), episodes of emotional agitation (experiencing intense anger or fear), periods of depression, avoidance of a partner, doubting the good intentions of the other person, objectification of mutual contacts.

Why is it worth considering psychotherapy for marriages or couples?

  First of all, couples and marriage therapy helps partners gain greater awareness of their own expectations, desires, needs, professed principles and values or their life goals, as well as realise the destructive mechanisms functioning in the relationship, e.g. the pattern of aggression and punishment, the system of competition or emotional manipulation or extortion.

In addition, the couple develops assertive communication skills and joint conflict resolution, as well as planning and agreeing on joint decisions and actions.

At the same time, each person in the relationship increases their ability to constructively deal with difficult emotions (i.e. anger, shame, guilt, injustice, fear, uncertainty or doubt) and learns to express them appropriately.

What can you expect from couples/marriage therapy?

During the first meetings, the therapist establishes contact with the couple and concludes a contract with them, considering the form and goals of cooperation. During subsequent sessions, the partners' ways of thinking, forms of communication and behaviour that make it difficult for them to build relationships and jointly search for solutions to problems are identified. During psychotherapy for couples (or marriages), mutual desires and emotional bonds are also developed and strengthened through positive feelings between both people.

During the therapeutic process, there are often violent emotional reactions of one or both partners and mutual accusations. A couples/marriage therapist maintains a rational dialogue and encourages you to talk about your emotions but firmly opposes acts of aggression. He also does not favour any of the parties; on the contrary, he watches over the equal division of time and attention devoted to both people.

Typically, people who choose marriage/couples psychotherapy expect the therapist to agree with them or take their side and help change their partner's behaviour. However, the therapist's role is not to take sides or act as a judge who will point to the culprit of problems in the relationship. Instead, the therapist is neutral and open to the couple's values (e.g. he does not convince his ideas about the division of household duties).

Naturally, during couples/marital therapy, tricky, embarrassing or socially unacceptable topics are sometimes discussed (e.g. sexual issues or aggressive behaviour). Still, they are addressed later in therapy when an appropriate level of trust and security has already been built between the couple and the therapist.

Effective psychotherapy for marriages and couples

At the Travel Psychotherapy Centre, we offer effective couples therapy in the integrative trend based on psychotherapeutic approaches: humanistic, systemic, cognitive-behavioural and especially Emotionally Focused Therapy - in short, EFT.

These methods are highly effective; scientific research has confirmed their effectiveness. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) deserves special attention here. According to the researchers, the significance of short-term and long-term EFT therapy is rated very high by couples. A significant improvement in the relationship was noticed by as many as 90% of couples who completed the therapy, and 70-75% of couples saw increased satisfaction with the connection.

What is couples psychotherapy (or marital therapy) using EFT?

In emotionally focused psychotherapy for marriages and couples, partners learn how to control their own emotions and use them to strengthen their bond. The goal of EFT therapy is to improve the intimate relationship by increasing the awareness of both partners and changing their negative patterns of thinking, feeling and reacting. During therapy, the couple begins to notice and become aware of harmful practices (so-called relational dances) in which they function daily, which have a destructive impact on the relationship or marriage. The partners then work out new, healthier patterns of interaction. Finally, this new pattern of working together is practised and reinforced so that it becomes an automatic reflex in everyday life.

What relational dances (schemes) are unhappy couples trapped in?

Sue Johnson (American couples psychotherapist in EFT) recognised three destructive patterns (3 types of harmful couple dance) in couples who come to therapy.

"Find the bad guy" - partners blame each other, attack and accuse each other. Both people are focused on self-defence, and their relationship has a sense of lack of influence and control. Neither party sees the impact of their behaviour on the reactions of the other, does not see their share in the relationship, and it is difficult for them to see the good sides and efforts of the other person.

"Freeze and run" - a dance in which both people withdraw in fear of being hurt. It's a sad, distanced relationship formed in relationships that have been going bad for a long time.

3. "Protest Polka" - in this dance, one party shows a critical and aggressive attitude, and the other takes a defensive mindset and distances himself. The more one person withdraws from the relationship, the more the other attacks and pushes. This is the most common dance among unhappy couples.

 Couples therapy also has clearly defined goals, which are served by working on patterns. The most important goals of psychotherapy for couples, leading to the improvement of an intimate relationship, are: better and better communication and understanding (yourself and your partner)

strengthening bonds, mutual care and intimacy, accepting and dealing with each other's differences.

Using integrative methods, the couple returns to the lost intimacy, but this intimacy is much more mature and lasting than the one from the initial period of the relationship, i.e. from the phase of falling in love. This more mature intimacy is based on trust and a healthy mutual attachment that allows you to satisfy the need for bonding while respecting the freedom of both partners.